This post is for Americans dating in France and builds on an earlier personal essay I wrote about dating in France as a non-French person more broadly.
Now, I have only ever officially dated one French guy and we ended up getting married.
So, I won’t pretend to be an expert at playing the French field. However, if you’ve come here seeking insight into French dating culture because you’re interested in seriously dating a Frenchie or you suspect you’re already dating one, you’re in the right place!
Dating in France can feel really different from dating in the U.S. And at first, it’s charming because it’s different. And then, it’s frustrating because it’s different.
*Note: I use the term “dating French men” because that is the cohort I have experience with and feel able to speak to. I use “dating French people” when I’m speaking about a general quality of French people that I understand to apply to the French when they date.
French dating culture
To an American, dating in France can feel a bit underwhelming at first. In general, the French are not ones for ostentatious displays of affection. They don’t try to impress you with how much they spend on dates. And, (horrors), they may not even rush to pick up the bill at the end of the night.
So, how do you know if your Frenchie is feeling you?
Put simply, the French are big on quality time. They also make time for the people and things that are important to them – even if they’re busy. This is distinctly different from American dating culture, where we’re conditioned to respect the hustle mentality. (Americans may even reevaluate our own hustle if it doesn’t seem like it’s matching up with our romantic interest’s.) We are conditioned to accept that, “for now” work or some other thing (but usually work) is the top priority.
Now, this is not to say that there are not career-minded French people or that work is never a point of contention in relationships with French people. But, broadly speaking, the emphasis in French dating culture is on integrating their life with their partner’s, not integrating their partner into their work life.
Are French men romantic?
I would say yes! Because quality time features so prominently in relationships with French men, dates tend to be designed with the other person in mind. Did you meet at a bar and talk about how cool you think it is that French farmer’s markets are so accessible? Your French love interest may propose to meet on a Saturday morning at the local market to pick out a spread of food for a picnic in a nearby park, followed by a nice long stroll chatting about whatever comes to mind.
There’s not really a dating script in France
French people don’t cycle through American classics like going to see a movie, going out to dinner, meeting for brunch, soft-launching during a happy hour, carefully staging friend introductions, etc. Basically, they don’t follow a script. If they think you’ll get along with their sister who’s passing through the city, she just may be sitting there (surprise!) when you show up at the new cocktail bar in his neighborhood to meet for drinks. This can feel exhilarating at first, but going on feeling also has one major downside: You can’t expect your Frenchman to ever ask you, point blank, to be his girlfriend.
According to real-live French men, the reasons for this run the gamut from, “It takes the passion and excitement out of a new relationship,” to “We only bring up the relationship status if it’s not serious,” to “Only children need that kind of affirmation.” (Ouch!)
That said, if this is an aspect of American dating culture that’s important to you, don’t be afraid to take the lead here. Just be prepared to explain, and don’t hesitate to chide them about listening respectfully if they get a little eye-roll-y. The French can come off quite dismissive of things they don’t understand, even if it’s related to an intercultural difference.
Dating apps in France
Full disclosure: I lasted exactly a week on French Tinder before exiting the app for good. Not because Thibault and I were exclusive that quickly, but because I’m an anxious perfectionist and the idea of not being able to express myself perfectly in French caused me to panic every time I matched with someone. Also, I was in Paris at the time, and the sheer volume of people to swipe on was a lot for my little small-town heart.
That said, I’ve witnessed a few friends put themselves out there on French Tinder and Bumble, to varying degrees of success. As with any dating app, the metric of success depends on why you’re there. In Strasbourg, one friend seems to keep meeting folks who are expressly non-monogamous. While this seems to match a growing international trend among young people dating, I couldn’t say if it’s applicable to France more broadly.
French men in relationships
So, you’ve determined that you are in a relationship with a French person. Everyone always wants to know: What are they like? I’ll do my best to address some common questions below. But, I can’t emphasize enough that my experiences and thoughts are not applicable to all French men.
Are French men good lovers?
Based on personal experience and in conversation with many girlfriends, the consensus seems to be that French men are attentive lovers who love to please their partners.
Here in particular it’s probably best not to generalize, as everyone’s approach to sex is shaped by their personal experiences. I think where I’ll leave it is here: There probably wouldn’t be so many successful American-French romantic pairings if they weren’t, erm, quite capable behind closed doors 😉
What are French men attracted to?
I’m excited to get into this one! French men are extremely attracted to people with passions and interests. I have a hunch that it’s linked to their affinity for quality time because, let’s be honest, it’s far more interesting to spend time with people who have hobbies outside of work and consumerism that may typify many American relationships.
Not only that, but their genuine interest in learning about your hobbies and interests reflects French culture more broadly. French people very much work to live, not live to work. I would also say that on the whole, they’re much more curious than Americans. Being out of their depth on a topic of conversation results in genuine questions to learn more about it, not a mental tailspin (hi, it’s me).
Now, if it’s just polite conversation, a French person will, like an American, make their exit if they’re not interested in the topic being discussed or the speaker. But if they’re invested in you as a romantic partner, a key sign a French man likes you is when he puts a strong effort into continuing the conversation. This applies even if you’re talking about how much you love going to “Paint n Sip” nights and he’s never felt inclined to pick up a paintbrush.
The earnest interest in hobbies can sometimes be offputting to Americans
We often have things we would, “love to do, someday” but simply don’t have time for because of work. This line of reasoning doesn’t quite hold up to the French, who, (again, broadly speaking), see work as a necessary evil to get through so that they can pursue their interests outside of it. This can cause some disconnect because Americans are conditioned to view career ambition as attractive. (But, I would challenge Americans to ask themselves: Do you actually care if your French partner is perfectly happy to collect his paycheck from his CDI job and leave work at work? If so, why?)
This is a question many Americans in France face, and it usually dovetails with the equally personal question of whether or not you, personally, really care about climbing the corporate ladder.
That said, if you’re passionate about your work, don’t feel like you have to hide it! The main ingredient to a sexy conversation with a French man is the easy light that shines out of all of us when we’re talking about something we genuinely care about. If your work is one of the things that flips your switch, don’t be shy!
How do French men flirt?
In my experience, French men are terrible flirts. More often, they’re incredibly blasé, unaware, or simply, exasperatingly too shy to act. Occasionally, they are overly assertive and come off like assholes.
I think the reason for this is that French men are socialized to be continuously chasing their object of affection, while French women are socialized to constantly keep them guessing. While theoretically a very sexy approach, you can see how only a certain type of personality would thrive in this dating environment.
All in all, I would say that French men are much better at being romantic in relationships than they are flirting with genuine romantic interests. So if you take anything away here, let it be this: The quality of the flirting is not necessarily indicative of the quality of the romance your French man is capable of. In committed relationships, French men are attentive, thoughtful, and, perhaps above all, patient.
When I initially came to Strasbourg in a big move for love, I became angsty and anxious and downright unpleasant for a time. (It was bad. Like, if I were with another hot-blooded American at the time, we might have killed each other.) But when a French man loves you, you really feel that he’s committed to loving and understanding all of you, even when you’re objectively being quite difficult to love.
A word of caution here
This is both a personal and wider observation of French-American couplings. And French-International pairings. Sometimes, French men can be doormats in an attempt to keep the relationship afloat. This is particularly the case if the relationship starts when both people are young. If you, as an American woman, are the more assertive in the relationship, you may find yourself responsible for helping your Frenchie stand up for himself. Whether or not that’s a fair or feminist assertion is definitely a topic I’m open to discussing over drinks – but that’s the reality of it.
And on a personal note: As someone who is the much more vocal and volatile person in my relationship, I learned early on that creating space for Thibault’s feelings was vital if the relationship was going to survive. That it took some time before Thibault was comfortable taking the space I offered is another cultural quirk, I think.
French people hate not knowing what to do and feeling foolish as a result of that uncertainty
So in international relationships, which can often be loaded with foreign words or grammatically incorrect phrases laced with meaning and intonations, French men might freeze up and, in their partner’s eyes, fail to meet the moment.
Clearly communicating if and when you’re disappointed or upset is important in relationships. However, it’s equally important to remember that if you believe your partner loves you, that also means believing that they’re doing their best and want to be the best partner they can for you. You just may have to give them lots of grace, especially in the beginning.
Wrapping up: Key differences to keep in mind when dating in France vs America
To sum everything up, the key difference between dating in the US vs dating in France is that dating is much more intuitive here. Seeking to label it one way or the other might feel natural to Americans coming from a hyper-masculine culture that puts a lot of emphasis on external validation. But, seeking that validation in France may be off-putting and potentially even unattractive to a French man. Still, it’s worth confirming and explaining the cultural difference if you’re really invested. It’s not our fault we’re conditioned to believe men likely aren’t serious until they confirm otherwise.
Stay tuned for a future piece expanding on dating and marriage customs in France. If you thought dating was tough, discussing marriage can feel like a full-on rodeo.
Dating in France – FAQ
Does kissing in France mean dating?
The French go on feeling and context. Typically, if you spend a lot of time together, exchange kisses and physical affection, and have what feels like a relationship beyond the physical, you’re likely dating. If you want to be sure it’s exclusive, you can ask him if he’s seeing anyone else – but then you have to explain that you’re asking because you’d like to consider the relationship exclusive. The French don’t do the “leading question” thing like we do in the U.S. So, if you just ask if he’s seeing anyone else, and he says yes and doesn’t give much further context, he will likely end up hurting your feelings without intending to.
How does dating work in France?
It’s very fluid! Generally, if the attraction is mutual, the couple will spend lots of time together and the growing sense of partnership will simply build. You’ll meet friends and family members (sometimes even in reverse order!). The only doubt will be the niggling sense of weirdness that he’s not explicitly asking to label the relationship. Going further, I wouldn’t recommend using traditional metrics such as holidays to litmus test the relationship – French Valentine’s Day, for example, is notoriously underwhelming for Americans.
Why is it called French kissing?
According to a 2019 CNN article by journalists Leah Asmelash and Nadeem Muaddi, Americans dubbed kissing with tongues “French kissing” when the style of kiss began occurring in the US after WWII. (1) The French, who have historically been much more adventurous sexually than Americans, likely imparted their style to American servicemen during the war. Despite the likely origins of the French kiss, it’s notable that the French did not even have a term for kissing with tongue (galocher) until 2014.
Are French men uncircumcised?
Generally, yes. While standard procedure in the US, most French men and indeed European men more broadly tend to be uncircumcised. (Note that this likely does not apply to French Muslims or French Jews.)(2) Although this may seem strange or novel to American women, an updated paper by Laurence S Baskin, MD, FAAP, “Neonatal circumcision: Risks and benefits,” noted that “the United States is the only country in the developed world where the majority of male infants are circumcised for nonreligious reasons.” (3)
To end with a final bit of dating advice on this front: The difference between an uncircumcised penis and a circumcised one is that the foreskin is left on top of the former. As such, uncircumcised penises are much more sensitive generally and typically require that more care be taken to avoid dry friction during sexual activity.
