Fearless in Love No. 4 – Rebecca and Fred

Meet Rebecca & Frederic

Words by Rebecca, an American in Alsace

I never thought in a million years that my story would sound like “chick-lit” but, well, it does

How It All Began

Where was your first date?

Officially, our first date was at the private beach at his hotel in Thailand. It was the last day before we both left to go home and he invited me for the day. We spent the day sipping mojitos, lounging under the palm trees and swimming in the pool then showered and went to Thailand’s famous Full Moon Party, stopping for some Pad Thai at a roadside shack along the way. It was the most romantic and fun day/date of my life. By the time we parted, we agreed that we had no idea how we’d do it but we were going to really try to make a go of it.

How was the communication?

At first my years studying French 25 years earlier in high school seemed useless, and his lack of practicing English didn’t help. We somehow we managed, but we probably owe a really nice bottle of Cremant to Google Translate for that.

Was the chemistry immediate on both sides? What caught your attention about each other?

For me, it was immediate. In fact, I saw Fred at the same time my girlfriend did and she looked at me and said, “he’s so your type!” He had this great kind of shy smile that made his eyes light up – I still live for that smile.

The Dating Game

How did it go meeting each other’s families that first time?

It was interesting because we met each other’s families after we’d decided I was going to move to France. So, they pretty much had to be nice as it was a done deal. Fred flew to LA to meet my family about a month before I left.

They were all a bit skeptical, but he immediately won them over – seriously, it was like minutes

I’m 90% sure they like him more than me. Ha! I met his family about a week after I arrived in France when they all came over for lunch one Sunday. It was a little hard at first as his mother and sister-in-law didn’t speak English, but luckily his dad and brother did so the guys helped translate the conversation.

The French have the reputation of being cold and maybe even rude but my experience was the opposite – his family and friends were so warm and welcoming and they have been amazing to me since that first meeting

I will say, once I could more comfortably speak and understand French my relationships with all of them really deepened. Now they are my family, too.

Did you ever do long distance with your partner? For how long, and what was it like?

Yep, for about four months until I made the move we did the long distance thing. Honestly, I think it’s what made us fall in love so deeply and create such a strong relationship. We spent HOURS texting and video chatting – and we talked about everything. Once we decided we were serious about trying to make a go of it (about three weeks in) we really dug deep and intentionally talked about everything. Our fears, our families, our pasts, our hopes for the future. The more we learned about each other the more certain we both became about the relationship. Both being divorced and older I think really helped as, well, the little stuff that bothers you when you’re younger just doesn’t matter anymore and we were both so much more settled with ourselves and our lives.

Going All In

If one of you moved for the other: Does the partner that moved ever get homesick? How do you support one another in times of cultural fatigue?

I get so homesick. Not for the country so much as my family and friends. He’s really great about pushing me to set aside time to video chat with my friends and family, and he loves to go over with me to visit. With Covid, this has been extra difficult because in the middle of all of it we had a baby. My family couldn’t be here and still haven’t met our little girl and sometimes that just breaks my heart. However, I try to appreciate the video chats and remember how special it will be when they do finally meet her.

If one of you moved for the other: Were you able to continue your profession/professional track in your new country? How did you have to adapt?

For me, no. I wasn’t able to continue for many reasons. At the point in my life that I made the move I was suffering from major burnout. So, I decided to instead take a year or so to focus on learning the French language, adjusting to life, and finding friends. I was lucky that we had a situation that made that possible. However, for so many expats it’s very difficult to continue on the same trajectory.

Here in France there are many factors that work against me continuing my career in marketing for big lifestyle brands – the largest is that I live in a city where that work just doesn’t really exist. I’d have to commute to Paris to find a similar job

Then there are the language and cultural barriers that definitely work against you if you’re trying to find a job in a French company. Finally the process of networking, finding opportunities and securing work are also very different and somewhat complicated to grasp. Given where we were in our lives and starting a family I ultimately decided to semi “retire” and focus on raising our little girl for the time being.

I would advise anyone going to a new country to really research and know the opportunities and the job market if that’s important to you. I’ve found Facebook groups for expats the most helpful in this respect

If you’re a partner that moved for the other, what was the most difficult part about adjusting to your new home?

I have to say that the French bureaucracy lives up to its reputation and has been the most exhausting and challenging part of the move. Nothing has been easy and everything requires mounds of paperwork and hours of prep. Before my French became decent I had to lean on Fred for everything and as someone who’s normally highly independent, it was so frustrating. Even now, we have gone through a ton of drama surrounding me being able to legally drive here. Finally, by spring I should have my French permit, but I’ve been unable to drive which means more or less stuck at home for six months because we live in a small village.

If you have a child, what has the experience of raising them been like?

We just had a baby in October and I have to say that the whole experience of being pregnant and having a baby in France was AMAZING! Nothing like what I watched friends and family experience in the US. The care was exceptional – and FREE!

In general I felt like my health and my baby’s health are always the priority. The doctors, midwives, nurses, etc here really focus on the care. Money (or lack thereof) is never an issue. Any test I needed, I got. Any extra visit or scan – covered. When I was informed my midwife would be coming to my home every other day for two weeks before the birth to monitor me then every other day when I returned home from the hospital to make sure we were doing ok and help with breastfeeding or whatever I needed I thought they were kidding. As an American, it now just infuriates me that the US doesn’t set up a healthcare system that works. I realize how complicated it would be to make the change (and how many of those rich, special interest groups would lose billions), but it’s so long overdue to be fixed. 

Closing Question

Most everyone, I think, associates international love stories with romance and rose bubbles. For those of us in them though, we know that they’re just like any other and require daily work, commitment, and more than a little determination. These last few questions are to give folks interested in really peeking under the hood of a strong international partnership a glimpse of the true nuts and bolts. 

I think most people would say that communication is the most important thing for any successful relationship, but especially an international one. What, in your opinion, is the SECOND most important thing to have in a strong international relationship? What advice would you give to a fledgling international couple who wants to really give it a shot?

I think to go all in on an international relationship you’ve got to have a crazy level of determination.

Expat life, whether in a relationship or not, isn’t for the faint at heart. It takes endless initiative to learn the language and cultural differences, cut through all the bureaucracy, and build a life out of nothing

You will struggle to the point you find yourself crying in front of some government official. You will get so homesick that it’s almost unbearable.

You will struggle to find friends while the old ones become more distant. And then add a relationship in the mix and you find out fast if you’ve got what it takes together to make it. While the partner of the expat may have it easier, they will also have to work extra hard to support you through all of that. So be sure you and your partner are completely committed to getting through it together. (Hot tip: It helps if they can make you smile or laugh even when you’re at your lowest.)

Editor’s note: This interview has been lightly edited for concision and clarity.

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Thank you for reading the fourth special edition of Fearless in Love No. 4 – Rebecca & Frederic! If anyone happens to be moving to Alsace, France, Rebecca is also the current president of Americans in Alsace, an association welcoming Americans in Alsace, as well as Canadians! For more information, please visit: Americans in Alsace – Home

If you connected with Rebecca and Fred’s story, she invites you to follow her expat experience as an American in Alsace, France on Instagram.

Instagram: @rebeccalynnrose

A new edition of 52 Weeks of Fearless: A Friday Feature Series are posted every Friday evening, France time (CET). If you enjoy reading and want to keep up-to-date with the latest posts, please subscribe and follow @themillennialabroad to support and be the first to receive weekly blog posts and a monthly newsletter recapping the month’s posts and latest in Strasbourg and travel news. Plus, keep an eye out for a bonus Fearless in Love feature – even after February ends!

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