Meet Alyona & Arben
Name: Alena
Pronoun(s): she/her
Nationality: Russian by birth
Hometown: Born and raised in Moscow; has been living in USA since 2011
Current location: Rockville, Maryland, USA
Occupation: Human Resources Generalist at a Marketing Company
Name: Arben
Pronoun(s): he/him
Nationality: Albanian Kosovar by birth
Hometown: born and raised in Pristina, Republic of Kosovo; has been living in USA since 2018
Current location: Rockville, Maryland, USA
Occupation: Electrician
Hi! We are Alyona and Arben! We met on August 17, 2009 in a small European country called Montenegro, got married in 2016 and have been happily married ever since!
Our relationship was long distance for 9.5 years (August 17, 2009 – December 5, 2018) and during that time we have built a strong, lifelong friendship, partnership, union, and family. We have been together for 11 years and 6 months!
Alyona is a great dancer and singer, loves movies and traveling, and is an approachable and helpful HR professional. She used to be a Zumba instructor for a few years and enjoys great at-home workouts as well as biking, jogging, ice skating and skiing!
Arben is a man of good sense of style, great sense of humor and has the kindest and softest heart. He is a die-hard soccer fan and is a fabulous and very talented electrician!
New features every week!
How it all began
Where/how did you meet? How did you both end up in that particular physical/virtual location at the same time?
Arben and I met in a little town called Ulcinj located in a small country that used to belong to Yugoslavia – Montenegro. It was back in 2009, and we were both vacationing there with our families. Every night my girlfriends and I would go to an open-air dance club. One night, as my friends and I were dancing, I twirled and faced the bar – in a second I noticed a young man who was staring at me. I smiled at him, and he started glancing back looking for the person I was smiling to, and when he realized I was smiling at him, he smiled back. Little did I know that it was a spark to our flaming romance.
After we exchanged the initial smiles, I twirled back and continued dancing. Later that night, he made his way to the dance floor and started dancing with me. He asked me only two questions, “Where are you from?” to which I responded, “Russia”, and “What’s your name?” to which I said, “Alyona.” I asked him the same questions back, and as he said he was from Kosovo, I did not catch his name. The next night we met at the same club, and after he realized I did not remember his name, he tricked me into a kiss saying he would tell me his name if I kissed him.
This was the beginning to the most extraordinary journey of our lives
How was the communication in general? Do you both have the same first language?
Arben’s native language is Albanian and mine is Russian, so we tried to speak English. I was fluent, but Arben had very limited vocabulary which sometimes made it hard for me to understand what he said. However, I commend him for trying to communicate as best as he could.
The first couple of years we used MSN Messenger to chat. We would talk as often as possible, which was once in 2-3 days, but sometimes we got sidetracked with our routines and lives in separate countries.
Eventually, we started Skyping every night, and with the 2-hour time difference, I would often stay awake until 5am (he until 3am) just talking and getting to know each other. I remember that every time I would open Skype and see his face, I’d feel a whirlwind of butterflies, or even an entire zoo in my stomach; and he felt the same 🙂
Was the chemistry immediate on both sides? What caught your attention about each other?
The chemistry was pretty instant from the moment we made eye contact. I immediately liked him, and as I later found out, he saw me in that club the night before and was dreaming of meeting me.
Once we met and danced together, we both felt the sparks and chemistry. Our first kiss felt like everything fell into the right place
Afterwards, every conversation, every eye contact, every hug, every kiss, every touch – everything felt so right and so good. We somehow knew deep inside that we were made for each other.
Who did you discuss your new relationship with the most in the beginning? Did other people help keep you grounded while you navigated cross-cultural dating?
My girlfriends who came to the club with me thought it was only going to be a summer romance. So, they did not care much about our connection. It was the same with Arben’s cousins who were coming to the club with him
When we returned to our countries, I shared about us with my sister and some classmates. My sister was suspicious about our relationship lasting long, but did not judge much.
My classmates thought it all sounded like a fairytale, a dream, something hard to believe, something that happens only to a few people. They started cheering for us instantly.
My mother knew, and she was totally cool with it. But, I kept it a secret from my very Russian and very traditional father. I guess I was not prepared to answer any questions my father would ask and hear any judgement from his side until I tried our relationship for myself.
Arben told his parents and siblings about us, and they did not judge. They just probably thought our relationship was not as serious or real and that we were living some sort of fantasy, especially since they have not met me personally. But, when they realized we had serious intentions for each other, they started warming up to me.
What is something that you struggled with at the beginning of your international relationship that you had to overcome as a couple?
Our biggest struggle was to find and coordinate time to chat. I had a cell phone, but could not send instant messages abroad. Arben did not have a good phone so he could barely text at all. I would sometimes wait for hours in front of the computer waiting for him to show up because I did not know what his day looked like, or what plans he had, or what time he would log into MSN. It was a very challenging time in our lives.
Also, not being able to see and actually talk and touch the person you love, and waiting impatiently for the summer to come was excruciating
Would you say that the timing was “right” when you met one another?
I believe we met at the perfect time. I was 16 and Arben was about to turn 22. I believe in destiny and think meeting each other and falling in love was our fate. Sometimes I wish we met earlier, but then I realize that maybe it would not work out. Or maybe if we met earlier, we wouldn’t build a strong and healthy bond that we have today.
The Dating Game
Had both of you dated much before meeting one another?
The fascinating thing is that Arben was my very first real boyfriend. There was a whole lot of flirting and occasional one-time dates, but never a serious relationship in my life. Arben had a couple quick relationships, but they did not last. He believes the reason they did not last was because we were meant to meet one day.
Did one of you start learning the other’s native language? Both of you?
From the very beginning of our relationship, we started learning words from each other’s native languages. Obviously, we began with “I love you”s and “Hello”s, and eventually started learning the languages more seriously so we would talk to each other’s parents and siblings.
Did you ever do long distance with your partner? For how long, and what was it like?
Our entire relationship was long-distance. We met in 2009 in Montenegro and met each other every summer in the same place. In 2015 Arben proposed to me at the very place we met. That winter we went to Istanbul, Turkey together to celebrate New Years. In July 2016, we got married in Ulcinj, Montenegro and celebrated our wedding at our friend’s restaurant. It’s actually located above the nightclub we met in! We never had a real honeymoon right after the wedding, because we had to fly back to our countries. That winter, in 2016, we went to Istanbul again for only 10 days.
We continued doing long-distance marriage and meeting twice a year for 2 weeks at a time until our application for his Spousal Immigration Visa got approved
Knowing that we would finally live together in the same country and under the same roof was one of the best feelings I have ever experienced. He embarked on a plane to the United States on December 5, 2018 and his arrival was the happiest day of all my life (in addition to our wedding day!). We have been living together in the US ever since and have never felt happier!
These are the stills from the video of our reunion, when Arben came to the United States for the very first time and this was the beginning of our life together (physically). December 5, 2018. Dulles International Airport, VA, USA
When did you start to talk seriously about a future together? Or, was it always serious?
From the very beginning of our relationship, we were doing our best to get to know each other and our preferences – how each of us dreamed of getting married, where each of us dreamed of living, how many children each of us dreamed of having, what kind of house/apartment each of us saw ourselves living in. We always discussed the future. This is, in my opinion, how we were falling harder and harder for each other because we loved each other’s dreams, plans and visions.
One day, we decided we were dreaming of the same things, and could combine them in one into a marvelous and happy life together
Going All In
What did “going all in” look like for you and your partner? Did you initially agree on what this looked like?
No. But, since we were living on distance, we had nothing else to do but to talk and discuss things. So, when it came to us getting engaged, married, moving in together, we knew exactly what we wanted.
Has Covid-19 affected you and your partner’s plans for the relationship? How so?
I believe our lucky stars aligned in a way that Arben moved in with me in the United States before COVID-19 started. If we still had to do long-distance now, during COVID-19, not knowing when we would reunite, I’d suffer from depression and withdrawal symptoms. I suffered from those heavily in 2017 and 2018 until Arben finally moved. So, I know I would be in a very bad place mentally if we were still doing long distance during COVID-19.
Luckily, COVID-19 affected us in the best way possible - quarantining with a loved one you have lived apart from for a decade is the best thing ever, so the lockdown was the best thing for us to catch up on all that we have missed
In many countries, getting engaged is usually a big deal and a lot of money can go into a ring and the ensuing celebrations leading up to the wedding. Were there any major culture clashes around this period?
Both of us are non-materialistic. We do not care about rings, wedding bells, spending tons of money. We care about emotions and memories. We had a very small wedding with only family members, and we did not get rings of our own, my parents passed theirs onto us. However, the memory of our wedding will last a lifetime because it was such a happy, joyous day for all of us.
What was the wedding like? Did you incorporate elements of both cultures into the event?
Our wedding took place on July 8, 2016 in Ulcinj, Montenegro at the old castle of Ulcinj at the restaurant of our friend – Terra Promessa.
First, we had an official ceremony at the city hall, where we exchanged rings and signed the wedding certificate. After that, we took our families to the beach and had a photoshoot. And once the evening came, we went to the restaurant. Our guests included mine and Arben’s parents, Arben’s 4 sisters, a cousin, 2 nieces and 2 nephews, my sister with her husband, my 2 best friends from Russia (with her husband) and USA (yes, my girlfriends flew to our wedding from Moscow and the States!) and finally my father’s local business partner with his wife.
We ate great food, danced national Albanian dances, and took photos. We mingled and laughed, threw the bouquet, and cut a delicious, gorgeous cake. All in all, we had an incredible little wedding!
For current parents and parents-to-be: Is it important that your child is raised to know both of their parent’s cultures? What aspects, specifically?
We would love our kids to speak both of our languages in addition to English that we speak with each other. We would also love them to to be familiar with both Russian and Albanian cultures, in addition to American.
We want to raise kids that appreciate and cherish diversity, cultural differences and are willing to explore and expand their horizons
One last question
Most everyone, I think, associates international love stories with romance and rose bubbles. For those of us in them though, we know that they’re just like any other and require daily work, commitment, and more than a little determination. These last few questions are to give folks interested in really peeking under the hood of a strong international partnership a glimpse of the true nuts and bolts.
I think most people would say that communication is the most important thing for any successful relationship, but especially an international one. What, in your opinion, is the SECOND most important thing to have in a strong international relationship? What advice would you give to a fledgling international couple who wants to really give it a shot?
For us, the second most important thing to have a strong international relationship is trust. If you do not trust your partner and always look for reasons to accuse them of being dishonest and unfaithful, you will never be able to focus on the great and positive things that should be invested into the relationship. Trusting them is key because if you love them, you want to make it work, you want to commit, you want to dedicate all your time and life to them wholeheartedly. Where there is wish, there is a way.
Also, if you are in it, you should be in it entirely. No half-efforts, but full effort and commitment
Another crucial aspect is respect – respecting mutual and individual interests, hobbies and beliefs will help build a long-lasting and healthy relationship. Let the other person be, let them be free, because then, if they love you with their whole heart, they will always be willing to be with you. And finally, if you feel like it might not be worth it because it takes time or requires a lot of work, push these thoughts away. If you love them, if you truly love them and want to be with them – distance and time sacrificed are 100% worth it!
Don’t ever look at it as if you are wasting time because this is a recipe for disaster; on the contrary, look at it as an opportunity to grow together with a great person, to find a soulmate in them, to make a lifelong friendship. These are never a waste!
Editor’s note: This interview has been lightly edited for concision and clarity.
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Thank you for reading our second special edition of Fearless in Love – International Love Story No. 2 – Alyona and Arben!
If you connected with Alyona and Arben’s story, they graciously invite you to connect with the via Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter.
Instagram: @heyalyona (Alyona) and @albenooz (Arben)
Facebook: Our names, Alyona Platonova and Arben Duriqi (we have pictures with each other as profile pictures)
Twitter: @heyalyona and @albenooz
A new edition of 52 Weeks of Fearless: A Friday Feature Series are posted every Friday evening, France time (CET). If you enjoy reading and want to keep up-to-date with the latest posts, please subscribe and follow @themillennialabroad to support and be the first to receive weekly blog posts and a monthly newsletter recapping the month’s posts and latest in Strasbourg and travel news.
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You can peruse the full archive of past features here: https://www.themillennialabroad.com/category/fearless-friday-features/
Claire, thank you so much for this wonderful feature! We were lucky to be chosen for this! Happy to spread more love, positivity and hope for all couples out there that are having long-distance relationships and challenges!
I’m so glad I happened to be reading that FB thread that day!! Thanks to you and Arben for agreeing to share your story. It’s truly a beautiful one that I’m sure will give other couples strength and clarity! <3