Bon Anniversaire to Me, Year 2!

Happy two years in France to me!

Maybe it’s because I never intended to move to this country that it feels weirdly right to have arrived at two years.

Contrary to what many might think, two years doesn’t actually feel like that much time, but it does give me a comfortable sense of groundedness to be able to say: Who me? Oh, I’ve been here since 2018.

Many people I know are getting more degrees, just finished a graduate degree, or are “finally” beginning their next degree. I think one of the major takeaways from my second year in France has been developing the ability to genuinely feel happy for these people without panicking and comparing myself to them. (Oh, you’re starting law school? On your third year of your PhD? Finishing your PT program? *downs a bottle of wine before replying on FB messenger a la Iliza Shlesinger* That’s AMAAAZING. SO happy for you!!”

The truth is, after completing a semester-long intensive French course last year, I was reminded how low-energy I am in a traditional academic setting, even when I have great teachers. It threw me for a bit of a loop at the time, I think because part of me had sort of expected that I’d take the course and apply for graduate school here in France – a common pathway taken by young foreigners who come here as au pairs and want to stay long-term. However, while Strasbourg has no shortage of universities and programs on topics that interest me, it never happened that I actually got around to submitting even one application. And for me, if it doesn’t happen, it’s not because I’m lazy – it’s because I actually don’t want to or something in the plan is sticking in my mental wheels.

In the aftermath of the existential crisis that inevitably followed, I finally shook myself out of it when it happened that I might have to go back to the US indefinitely if I didn’t find a job here. Covid-19 upended the world, but it also clicked into clarity some major truths that I wasn’t seeing in my pre-pandemic angst. I didn’t want to go back to school – I just wanted to feel purposeful. I wanted a job in France – not in the US. Would it be hard to find a job in France that wasn’t au pair, nanny, or teaching English? Yes, I was told, over and over. It’s going to be very hard.

And was it? Truthfully, I’m still sorting that out. I think I’ve worked really hard the past few years and often felt like I didn’t know what I was working for, or if it would ever go anywhere. I also feel like I finally got that “lucky break” that so many people talk about when they first start out, which is exciting and exhilarating because having had one has led me to realize how misleading the phrase is. Lucky breaks, in my opinion, rarely just “happen.” They can’t, because a lucky break feels like the bell lap in a track race – not the crossing of a finish line, but the moment to make a move on what you want to do before it’s too late.

So, what do I want to do? Right now, the goal is simple: I want to perform well at the job I’ve been hired to do. It’s taken two years in France and a lot of early flights, jetlagged journal sessions, and heart-to-hearts with myself to realize that I have and will always be a person who plays the long game. That means that right now, I don’t know exactly where I want to be in five years, or if I’ll ever go back to school. I don’t even know if I’ll stay in France. But for the foreseeable future, France is where I want to be, and next month, I’ll start my new job in the French start-up that decided to take a chance on me as a business developer.

Bring on another year, France.

Read more here:
–Reflections of year one in France
–Reflecting on au pairing